Thank you both for committing to this project. Each day you will choose a question to which you will write an answer. Your commitment to each other will be sorely tested by this. But be dogged about it. Don’t give up! At our next appointment, this dialogue exercise will move the counseling forward and give us more specific goals to work on. Ensure you do not give up!

Methods – Best Method is INTENTIONALITY
I shall send you questions to choose from each day. Pick one and both of you will answer it individually within a convenient timeframe agreed by both of you. You do not have to be in the same space to answer the question although this will be a good practice. Set a timer. Spend only 10 minutes writing your response to the question. Do not exceed the time.

Aim- The Writing 10 minutes
The aim is to write down your feelings and thoughts sharing honestly and in openness of heart with your spouse. This is an exercise in self-revelation, in self sharing. It is serious and it is sacred as in this exercise you both become vulnerable and fragile. Determine to respect the fragility of the other. It will be wounding not to. Choose words that do not insult or denigrate the other person as you write and dialogue. You say you love this person let this be your opportunity to say so in action and even in conflict. This is why this letter is a FRIENDSHIP LETTER to promote greater intimacy through openness and assurance that each person’s thoughts and feelings will be respected and accepted by the other. Do not choose to be a winner, to be the one in the right. The person who must lead must be the servant of all says Jesus.

Most letters will start with Dear….. Find a more intimate way of starting your letter. The key is to write without blaming or accusing the other or holding your spouse responsible for your feelings. This way you take responsibility for your own thoughts and feelings. These are signs and indices of maturity, responsibility, and autonomy. At the end of the 10 minutes, exchange your letters immediately. And set a time for the dialogue at the convenience of each of you – a time of absolutely no distractions whatsoever!

The dialogue is a round table meeting and not a battle. It is a time to listen, to learn and to innovate and chart a way out of the quagmire. Forget about yourself when the letter you are dialoguing is not yours. Concentrate on the person whose letter is being dialogued. At the end of 10minutes. The second letter will be dialogued for another 10 minutes. Attentiveness is important.

How will this dialogue work? Create a environment of respect and friendship. Do not analyse the other person’s letter, thoughts or feelings expressed. Wait for the writer to do so. Good dialogue is possible only in an arena of friendship and readiness to accept that the other person is not your clone, but a person different and unique with ways of doing things not necessarily to hurt you, but ways that express those very differences that make each person unique. By accepting the persons’ feelings and thoughts you acknowledge that the person has a different history from you.

Cultivate Respect, Develop a patient listening ear and remember your part is to think of how to make things better. Avoid accusatory words, tension caused by short temper and other negative feelings that make dialogue impossible. Keep the dialogue open. Use polite words and apologies when you cross the line or shout or use angry words. Forgive the person who makes the mistake and ensure you continue the dialogue to the end. If your initial dialogue was inconclusive, fix another 10 minutes at a later time giving at least a 6 hour interval.

At the end of the dialogue rate your listening capacity during the dialogue. Also rate your degree of acceptance of the other person’s thoughts and feelings. Note the outcome of the dialogue – behaviour change, new plans, etc etc

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